The joke's on you

When I was a little girl, one my father's favorite jokes was about Fantomas.  I don't know whether you are familiar with this character, but in Russia French Fantomas movies with Louis de Funes and Jean Marais were very popular.   Basically the heroes are:



Fantomas - a ruthless and extremely successful criminal, master of disguise always appearing under assumed identity, which he achieves by wearing masks.



Juve - police detective obsessed with catching Fantomas.



Fandor - journalist, covering Fantomas's crimes and also looking to catch him.


Helene - Fandor's bride

So the joke goes like this:

"Ha-ha-ha," said Fantomas, leaving Helene's bedroom and taking off Fandor's mask.
"He-he-he," said Inspector Juve, leaving Helene's bedroom and taking off Helene's mask.

I don't know why this joke was appropriate to tell in front of or to the little kids, maybe to acclimated us with more liberal attitudes of the West, but I heard it often.  Well, all of this intro is to tell you that we had our version of this joke play out at SubCasa.

I didn't get much sleep last night and needed a little caffeine, so I poured myself half a glass of Coke.  I took a few sips, turned around for a second, only to find my son holding now almost empty glass and laughing, "Ha-ha-ha."

"Well, buddy, ha-ha-ha, the joke's on you, I have a cold sore and you just might get it too after stealing my soda and drinking from my glass."  I repeated the "ha-ha-ha" (what, I wanted the lesson to sink in) and finished the coke in the glass, only to realize a second later that  - he-he-he, DS still had a stomach virus...  A virus that lasted quite a few days, affected both hubby and the kids; the virus that I miraculously avoided and now willingly ingested...  He-he-he indeed.

Where I manage to spoil more than one movie ending

Spoiler Alert!  As the title suggests, I will spoil the ending to Gosford Park.  Also, as one might deduce from the title of the post, there will be other spoilers.  If you are a fan of criminal investigation series, you should consider yourself warned.

On a friendly suggestion, I embarked upon watching Gosford Park.  All in all, not bad.  The problem?  Absolutely predictable ending.  Not because of the overused plot line, bad acting or any movie-making fault.  Simply because of the casting.  One MUST know that if Helen Mirren (or any other actress of her caliber) is cast in the seemingly secondary role, there will be a big revelation about her character, which would explain why Helen Mirren would agree to play it.  The longer the movie goes, the more shocking the revelation.  In the case of a mystery movie, the longer this "something" is not revealed, the more likely Helen Mirren's character is the murderer.  

The same goes for criminal investigation series.  The more famous the guest star is, unless he is quickly killed off, the more likely he is involved in the murder.  For example, the minute I saw Sheryl Lee in Lie to Me, I knew she would be the evil wife of a nice and honest politician.  Otherwise, they would cast a complete unknown. 

Which kind of sucks.  Because these actors end up being the victims of their own fame.   Too bad.  Because their acting would never give the ending away.

Finally, update

Remember how I was gushing in the not so distant past about finally finding movies hubby and I both enjoyed? Yeah, scratch that. Turns out that after seven years of marriage, I still haven't learned how to interpret certain words, phrases and body language of my significant other. I mistook his hearty laughing for, you know, enjoying a comedy. How could I? But I feel it was an honest mistake anyone could have made, well, anyone married to SubHub that it.

When the initial shock - and I am hardly exaggerating - wore off, I had asked him what exactly was wrong. Turns out, nothing in particular. He was just "disappointed". I pressed for details, but alas, couldn't squeeze much more than I already did. Hence, I am left to guess. Was it the lack of depth in acting? Could the actors not convey the deep and conflicting feeling of their characters the way Pluto did when he was stripped of his "planet" status? Or was the plot not as intriguing as the M Theory? The suspense is just killing me. And if I wasn't able to tell a difference between him liking and disliking comedy, is it possible I had misread some other things? (Insert an obligatory joke about SubHub regularly faking it because I won't make it as a sacrifice on the altar of marital harmony...)

And now instead of hope in finding common entertainment, my heart is heavy with invisible and unproven black matter. Yes, we've been watching "Universe" again, how did you guess?

Finally!!!

It only took seven years of being married to find a bunch of movies that both me and hubby can agree on watching together. There are a few he will compromise and watch with me (You've got mail), there are some I would compromise and watch with him (Independence Day), up until recently we have found only 2 movies both of us could watch without feeling that one of us had to give in - How to Steal a Million (still praying it won't be remade, ever) and Dirty Rotten Scoundrels. Most other times, we end up with "Elegant Universe", "Universe", "Life on Mars", you get the picture. After watching so many of these, I feel like I personally have witnessed the formation of our moon.

A few weeks ago we were looking for a movie for our in-laws, when we stumbled upon a collection of old French comedies. We finally found something we both enjoy! (We are no polyglots, these movies are dubbed in Russian)

So far we have seen three movies. One was pretty good, Les Comperes, one so-so, and the one we saw last night was just great. (I believe it was remade in the US, but so far I haven't seen a single decent remake of a good French comedy. So many of great movies have been completely ruined or just turned into an easy to forget mediocrity.)


Hubby and I both adored the movie. I highly recommend. And the vet steals every scene he's in.

We better find something else, real soon. Because I have been spoiled now by these movies and the thought of another "universe" movie makes me want to cry.

There was once a dog

This is one of the best cartoons I have ever seen and now I have finally found it on Youtube. There are English subtitles, which unfortunately don't do justice to the original, but there are that many words to begin with. Hope you'll enjoy as much as I did.

My Clueless/Die Hard moment

A friend and a fellow blogger Sally Hazel had posted today about mixing up Ecuador and El Salvador in a conversation. Something very similar happened to me, and I was wondering how to turn it into the post, so now Sally gave me an excuse and provided much needed inspiration.

A few weeks ago I was having a highly intellectual (insert: sarcasm) discussion with a friend about news and hostage situations in particular, and the topic shifted to the Stockholm syndrome. We discussed it for about ten minutes, and I had referred to the syndrome by its name probably a dozen times. After I hung up, all of a sudden I felt the insides of my stomach getting cold. To my shame and horror I realized that throughout the entire conversation I had referred to the condition as a "Helsinki syndrome". Yikes! And the person with whom I was having this conversation did not correct me either and let me make a fool out of myself over and over again. Wonder if she was stifling giggles on the other line. (For the record, I am sure she wasn't because she is super nice. I am really blessed with good friends.)



And now for the extra credit:

Why would SubWife make such a silly mistake???

Before posting this, I decided to Google Helsinki Syndrome, just to make sure that such a condition does not exist. Ta-da! I found the answer and the person to blame it on.

It's HIS fault.

I blame Alan Rickman! I had watched Die Hard just a day or two before this conversation, and in that movie they had gotten their geography completely wrong and indeed referred to the Stockholm syndrome as the Helsinki syndrome. Here's the quote from imdb.com:

The Helsinki Syndrome mentioned in the film is a reference to the real-world Stockholm Syndrome. Why it was changed in the film is unknown. Coincidentally, the newscaster incorrectly informs his viewers that it refers to Helsinki, Sweden (Helsinki is actually in Finland, while Stockholm is in Sweden).

OK, case closed, SubWife not completely crazy, moving on with life.

Quote of the Month - May '09

I have been enjoying a guilty pleasure recently. Now that I am tied to a nursing/kvetching kid several hours a day, with many of these hours falling very late at night when everyone else is sleeping, I had to find something to entertain myself during that time. And yes, for all those concerned, I do interact with my child during these precious moments, but when rocking the kid gets tough at 2 a.m, I think I am entitled to something decadent. So that guilty pleasure is 3rd Rock From the Sun DVDs. While watching these, I came across the following conversation, which was kind of perfect for the moment.

(A little background info. This show is about 4 aliens who assume human bodies to learn about Earth and its inhabitants.)

Lieutenant: Why am I the woman?
High Commander: Because you lost.

I just LOOOOVE this quote.

Are you related?

There are times when I just can't find anything worthy or interesting to write about. Now is clearly the opposite: I have tons and tons of - what I consider - interesting topics. Many posts are hovering in my head only to be forgotten or become outdated because I simply have no time to post them. Such is life, we are destined to lack something. Therefore, I have decided to just blog whatever bothers/interests me right now, in the shortest form possible (given my propensity for verbal diarrhea, it is not easy feat or a guarantee for a short post), and leave philosophical discussions/topics requiring more thought or memory cells for later. So this post will be my attempt at being brief.

I was browsing news last night (while nursing, or course), and came across an entertainment snippet about Nicolette Sheridan leaving Desperate Housewives. Along came the actress' close up photo, which clearly showed signs of "work" and looked kind of bizarre.

I am always perplexed when I come across such pictures of famous actresses. What were they thinking? I mean I am aware that the business they are in is very competitive and looks are important and all. All the more reasons to not make oneself look grotesque. And is it me or do these "made over" actresses all look like clones or at the very least as if they were related: unnaturally high cheekbones, cat-like eyes, botoxed skin and collagen-filled lips? And more importantly not only do they lose their uniqueness, they look SO MUCH worse than before! So many have ruined their beautiful faces that would've aged gracefully or at least not as atrociously as after the procedures performed by cosmetic surgeons. Christa Miller, Meg Ryan, Priscilla Presley, Melanie Griffith and Mickey Rourke are just a few names that come to mind. Why? Why? Why?

Let's keep this between us, okay?

These are just kids being kids and I guess parents being parents.

DD asked my Mom for a drink. When Mom started pouring, DD said that she didn't want it in a cup, she wanted a bottle. Mom said, "But your father doesn't let you use the bottle any more." DD, without missing a bit, "But we won't tell him."

Last night SubHub and I were watching The Best of Nature - 25 Years. (Actually, we only went through the first 5 minutes or so and decided that the predators in action theme provides poor entertainment.) In the very beginning there was a scene where a light colored monkey was walking and jumping on the ground shot from the monkey's back. I couldn't shake the feeling that I have seen this before. In a few minutes it hit me: that monkey is a dead ringer for DS when he's wearing his beige PJs, which by coincidence he was wearing that same night! Apparently, mediocre great minds think alike because SubHub was thinking along the same lines! (too bad I couldn't find this tidbit on youtube)

Dear Jim letter and the various shades of blue

Dear Jim,

I guess after all that waiting, it just might not work. I am sad, are you?

The first time I lay eyes on you, I was about eighteen in the waiting room of my orthodontist. Quite frankly, you were not my type then. Ace Ventura, The Cable Guy, even the The Mask were not my cup of tea. So when during those long hours waiting to be seen by the doc, I picked up a magazine with your interview. I didn't think it would interest me. And it didn't. I was just mindlessly turning the pages until I saw this:



And everything between us changed. I suddenly saw your depth and was completely mesmerised. There was something about this picture that made me look, even stare. Until I got called for my appointment. When I came back, the magazine was gone, and so were you. But I remembered the picture.

Years went by, you matured and grew into "The Truman Show" and "Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind", among other things. And we finally totally clicked. However, in my mind you were always a guy from this picture. That's probably how I will always think of you.

But what does it have to do with my blog? A few weeks ago I promised to spruce it up. Naturally, I thought of you and your picture to be a more than worthy replacement of the picture I had before.



Can I tell you something? I never truly liked that baby. I posted his picture in haste when I couldn't find anything better. But this baby gave me creeps. He always looked cold and his skin had a blue tinge that made me wish to cover him with a blanket. Don't tell anyone, but I secretly dubbed him "the blue baby." So many times I wanted to replace him with something else, but inadvertently I cornered myself by selecting a baby: what kind of a heartless witch would replace a baby picture? So I patiently waited for the respectable amount of time to pass, so that I could finally put a picture that didn't make me run for a pair of warm socks every time I looked at it. I have waited for a year, Jim, a YEAR! before I took that picture down and replaced it with yours.

Unfortunately, some readers developed an attachment to that baby and ironically referred to you as the "blue dude." So what would you do if you were me? Would you bow down to the pressure of the masses or would you stand your ground? I tried reaching you, but you wouldn't answer me. (I blame Jenny.) So here's what I decided. I will take the decision out of my hands, and let the people vote on it. I (not so) secretly hope you win though.

Your truly,

Subjugated Wife.

My Fellow Americans - SubReview

Expectations: I have seen this movie several times. So I knew exactly what to expect.

Plot: Two former Presidents learn too much about a kick-back deal with a contractor. Even though they hate each other, they must find a way to work together to save their lives and stop the evil President from returning to the office for the second term. It's the Odd Couple, White House style.

My take: The first time I watched it I was not greatly impressed - a slightly above average comedy. But the more I watch this, the more this movie grows on me. The jokes don't get old, the plot is still fresh even 12 years later, and the acting is excellent. This movie has now joined my short list of reliable mood picker- uppers. I also think that it is particularly funny in light of recent elections and would be a good choice for anyone, conservative or liberal. When I watched it yesterday, I enjoyed it even more than the last time.

Objectionable materials: some brief nudity and usage of f-word. Overall, pretty clean.

Bottom line: Watch it with someone who is still dear to you, but voted for a different candidate. Even if you don't mend your broken relationship, there will be plenty of laughs to make this a worthy endeavor.

To Catch a Thief - Movie SubReview

Expectations: This movie was rented for several reasons. Firstly, it was a classic I have never seen. Secondly, it was supposed to be clean (no nudity, etc.). Thirdly, I like a good romantic adventure. And lastly, it got pretty good reviews from the users of Netflix. So here's my experience.

Plot: A reformed jewel thief is accused of stealing again when several robberies, made with his MO, take place in France. He decides to clear his name by trying to find a thief. In the process he meets a rich heiress, and they fall in love.

My take: The plot is, unfortunately, very predictable. Where it is not predictable, it becomes hardly believable mainly because characters' actions and reasoning seem completely illogical and asinine. Character development is almost non-existent; the romance between the two main characters is hardly believable or understandable, especially given the fact that Grant is 27 years older than Kelley. Acting is very mediocre. On the other hand, with the material the actors were given, anyone could hardly act better. The fun and thrill of adventure are simply not there, and he movie doesn't captivate.

The weakest point: Besides what I have mentioned, Cary Grant's tan, instead of intended sex appeal, made me think of skin cancer for the entire duration of the movie.

Redeeming qualities: 1) Grace Kelley was very pretty. 2) The actress playing her mother was very good. 3) It was refreshing to see actresses, while still slim, not sickeningly anorexic. Made me think that one of the actresses, while very popular a few decades ago, would probably never find a job in Hollywood these days.

Objectionable materials: several scenes taking place at the beach.

Bottom line: If watching the movie to familiarize one with American classics, then go ahead. If searching for good entertainment - look elsewhere. It shouldn't be hard to find something entertaining even among the classics.

The Pilot

Ok, I obviously have too much time on my hands and have nothing else to occupy my mind. So here is the pilot of our show Subjugated! It has pretty much everything a normal show would have: setting, dialog, cultural references, unrealistic elements, product plugs and, of course, a theme song. I even took time out of my busy schedule to write the live audience's reactions.

So here it is.


Subjugated! - The Pilot

(Setting: Barb, Sally Hazel and Subjugated Wife are sitting in an unusually large for Brooklyn living room. They are enthusiastically discussing something among themselves when in comes:

Barb, Sally Hazel, Subjugated Wife (in unison): Moish!!!

Audience: (enthusiastic applause)

Subjugated Moish: Cheers! The entire gang is here. The three musketeeresses! The Three Amigos. The Three Witches of ... never mind.

Audience: (wild laughter)

Subjugated Moish (to the audience): My big mouth always gets me in trouble.

Audience: (laughter)

Subjugated Wife: So what brings you to our unusually large for Brooklyn SubCasa?

Subjugated Moish: Ladies, you are not going to believe what happened to me today. I was on the high...

Subjugated Wife, Barb, Sally Hazel (in unison): No confessions!

Audience: (laughter)

Subjugated Moish: Relax, ladies, not now! I was on the highway when SubHub called my (bleep)* phone and said that there is a potato kugel a-cooking here!

Audience: (applause)

Subjugated Wife: Yes, yes, that's true. SubHub requested that I make this tasteless oily potato mush (pause) AGAIN!!!

Audience: (wild laughter)

Subjugated Wife: He thinks that adding a pound of pepper makes ANY food Sephardi. (rolls eyes)

Audience: (wild laughter)

Subjugated Moish: So what were you doing before I came in?

Barb: Discussing things.

Sally Hazel: bickering really.

Subjugated Moish: A combination of bickering and potato kugel...

Sally Hazel: What is an Ashkenazi marriage? Jewish marriages for $400, Alex.

Audience: (wild roar and long applause)

Barb: That reminds me of a question I wanted to ask for the longest time.

Subjugated Moish: Shoot.

Barb: Don't tempt me. After all I am a Republican and strongly believe that the American people have a right to protect themselves with firearms.

Audience: (five minute applause interjected with the sounds of firing a gun. The show goes into an unplanned break due to the ongoing police investigation.)

(The show resumes.)

Barb: All political joking aside, Subjugated Wife and Subjugated Moish are not married or related to each other, yet you guys both have the same (pause) first names!

Audience: (laughter)

Moish: That's because, Barb, in this life we all are subjugated.

Audience: Awww.

Sally Hazel: That's deep.

Barb: Ditto.

Subjugated Wife: Plus one!

Audience: (laughter)

Subjugated Wife: I better bring out potato kugel before all this philosophizing leads to yet another Moish's confession.

Audience: (laughter and applause)

(Planned commercial break.)

Some Unknown Anorexic Model: You might not believe this, but only two years ago I looked like this. (Shows a picture of herself that looks a little less anorexic.) I felt big, bloated and totally un-hot and couldn't get a modeling job anywhere. Then I went on a low-carb diet and lost all that flab together with my menses, teeth and hair! How cool is that? I finally felt hot, and modeling contracts started lining up! But I still felt a big void in my life - I was missing potato kugel because potatoes are a big no-no on low-carb diets. I started feeling depressed again, and not because my diet lacked all the necessary vitamins and nutrients as some skeptics might suggest. Then I saw the ray of light! I discovered genetically engineered low carb potatoes, grown by our own farmers in Idaho! Now I can have all the potato kugel I want and still keep my figure and my job! Thank you genetically engineered potatoes! Thank you American farmers and scientists! And kids, remember, it's now how you look on the outside, it's how you feel inside that counts!

(We are now back in the unusually large for Brooklyn living room.)

Subjugated Moish: (pointing at the neon blue dish in the middle of the table) SubWife, that is a mighty good kugel.

Sally Hazel: Delicious, if I say so myself.

Barb: One would never suspect that it's made out of genetically engineered neon blue potatoes.

Audience: (laughter)

SubMoish: Audience, this is not funny.

Audience: (laughing louder)

SubMoish: (getting visibly angry) I really mean it. This isn't funny. Please don't upset our sponsors. (turning away from the audience) But really this kugel looks and tastes just like Mrs. Shimanovich's traditional potato kugel, which reminds me of the time when I almost seduced...

Subjugated Wife, Sally Hazel, Barb: (together, exasperated) Not another confession...

Audience: Ha-ha-ha!

Subjugated Moish: (with mischievous smile) Ladies, I just can't help myself.

Audience: (long applause)

(The camera slowly zooms out of the picture.)


(The episode ends in credits to the Subjugated and It Feels So Good tune.)

Note: *Apple refused their sponsorship, so we will be bleeping out the name until they change their mind.

THE END.


Ok, I am now ready for networks to fight over this masterpiece. Any takers?

Maybe you should try the arab quarter...SATC

http://www.cnn.com/2008/SHOWBIZ/Movies/05/20/sex.israel.ap/index.html (warning: this page will bring you to the picture of immodestly dressed women.)

SATC billboard were banned from Jerusalem and Petakh Tikvah. So comforting to know that the sense of decency still can prevail somewhere... As a side note, I do not appreciate the sub-text of the article, i.e. how ridiculous religous of Israel are. Well, it is CNN afterall, and one cannot expect much from them.

Murders.

This one is a true confession. Oh, no. I haven't murdered anyone, but I have been thinking about murders, well, not real ones. Ok, here's the reason why I will probably never amount to anything in life. When ambitious people think about ways to further their careers, philanthropists think of ways to save the world, gluttons think of new ways to satisfy their appetite, I think about this. Ready?

Have you ever read Agatha Christie or watched Murder, She Wrote? I have been a huge fan of both and the genre over all. But then I always had this nagging question: how did these supposedly regular folks like Miss Marple or Jessica Fletcher come across so many murders in a just few year span? Statistically, one is very unlikely to come across a real murder in her entire life unless she is a cop, ER doctor or nurse, or lives in Detroit. Not a single one of these is true for either amateur sleuth I mentioned. The only other option that would make sense is that these ladies were serial murderers and killed all those folks. And had an amazing power of persuasion or/and a personal relationship with the chief of police to frame someone else. Even if I am wrong, think about it. Especially in Murder, She Wrote, Jessica lives in a very small town. After all the murders that took place during the eleven year run of the show, the town's population should've gone down to three people: Jessica, chief of police and the doc. Because everyone else would've been either murdered or jailed for murder! Think about it: people move to these small towns to avoid crime and THERE! someone is murdered! And the next week again, and again, and again, until the show goes on hiatus. I guarantee you, in real life there would be no one to murder in season two because every one else would've moved back to Detroit, for their own safety (whether to avoid being murdered or caught for it).

I feel better after I got this off my chest... Feel free to judge...

Ick

Just when I thought that the cult of Putin couldn't get any worse, Russians prove me wrong. They deserve him, they really do.

http://www.cnn.com/2008/WORLD/europe/02/13/putin.movie.ap/index.html

On the other hand, there's hope for us, perpetually late folks. Unlike all the books on career advancing and becoming organized, which would like us to believe that tardiness will inevitably lead you to poverty, public humiliation and agonizing death, here's the example of the always tardy guy making it to no less than the president of the largest (or second largest?) country in the world. Not bad. Then again, it might only be possible in Russia and probably only acceptable for a man. Nevertheless...