Thursday, July 3, 2008

The Pilot

Ok, I obviously have too much time on my hands and have nothing else to occupy my mind. So here is the pilot of our show Subjugated! It has pretty much everything a normal show would have: setting, dialog, cultural references, unrealistic elements, product plugs and, of course, a theme song. I even took time out of my busy schedule to write the live audience's reactions.

So here it is.

Subjugated! - The Pilot

(Setting: Barb, Sally Hazel and Subjugated Wife are sitting in an unusually large for Brooklyn living room. They are enthusiastically discussing something among themselves when in comes:

Barb, Sally Hazel, Subjugated Wife (in unison): Moish!!!

Audience: (enthusiastic applause)

Subjugated Moish: Cheers! The entire gang is here. The three musketeeresses! The Three Amigos. The Three Witches of ... never mind.

Audience: (wild laughter)

Subjugated Moish (to the audience): My big mouth always gets me in trouble.

Audience: (laughter)

Subjugated Wife: So what brings you to our unusually large for Brooklyn SubCasa?

Subjugated Moish: Ladies, you are not going to believe what happened to me today. I was on the high...

Subjugated Wife, Barb, Sally Hazel (in unison): No confessions!

Audience: (laughter)

Subjugated Moish: Relax, ladies, not now! I was on the highway when SubHub called my (bleep)* phone and said that there is a potato kugel a-cooking here!

Audience: (applause)

Subjugated Wife: Yes, yes, that's true. SubHub requested that I make this tasteless oily potato mush (pause) AGAIN!!!

Audience: (wild laughter)

Subjugated Wife: He thinks that adding a pound of pepper makes ANY food Sephardi. (rolls eyes)

Audience: (wild laughter)

Subjugated Moish: So what were you doing before I came in?

Barb: Discussing things.

Sally Hazel: bickering really.

Subjugated Moish: A combination of bickering and potato kugel...

Sally Hazel: What is an Ashkenazi marriage? Jewish marriages for $400, Alex.

Audience: (wild roar and long applause)

Barb: That reminds me of a question I wanted to ask for the longest time.

Subjugated Moish: Shoot.

Barb: Don't tempt me. After all I am a Republican and strongly believe that the American people have a right to protect themselves with firearms.

Audience: (five minute applause interjected with the sounds of firing a gun. The show goes into an unplanned break due to the ongoing police investigation.)

(The show resumes.)

Barb: All political joking aside, Subjugated Wife and Subjugated Moish are not married or related to each other, yet you guys both have the same (pause) first names!

Audience: (laughter)

Moish: That's because, Barb, in this life we all are subjugated.

Audience: Awww.

Sally Hazel: That's deep.

Barb: Ditto.

Subjugated Wife: Plus one!

Audience: (laughter)

Subjugated Wife: I better bring out potato kugel before all this philosophizing leads to yet another Moish's confession.

Audience: (laughter and applause)

(Planned commercial break.)

Some Unknown Anorexic Model: You might not believe this, but only two years ago I looked like this. (Shows a picture of herself that looks a little less anorexic.) I felt big, bloated and totally un-hot and couldn't get a modeling job anywhere. Then I went on a low-carb diet and lost all that flab together with my menses, teeth and hair! How cool is that? I finally felt hot, and modeling contracts started lining up! But I still felt a big void in my life - I was missing potato kugel because potatoes are a big no-no on low-carb diets. I started feeling depressed again, and not because my diet lacked all the necessary vitamins and nutrients as some skeptics might suggest. Then I saw the ray of light! I discovered genetically engineered low carb potatoes, grown by our own farmers in Idaho! Now I can have all the potato kugel I want and still keep my figure and my job! Thank you genetically engineered potatoes! Thank you American farmers and scientists! And kids, remember, it's now how you look on the outside, it's how you feel inside that counts!

(We are now back in the unusually large for Brooklyn living room.)

Subjugated Moish: (pointing at the neon blue dish in the middle of the table) SubWife, that is a mighty good kugel.

Sally Hazel: Delicious, if I say so myself.

Barb: One would never suspect that it's made out of genetically engineered neon blue potatoes.

Audience: (laughter)

SubMoish: Audience, this is not funny.

Audience: (laughing louder)

SubMoish: (getting visibly angry) I really mean it. This isn't funny. Please don't upset our sponsors. (turning away from the audience) But really this kugel looks and tastes just like Mrs. Shimanovich's traditional potato kugel, which reminds me of the time when I almost seduced...

Subjugated Wife, Sally Hazel, Barb: (together, exasperated) Not another confession...

Audience: Ha-ha-ha!

Subjugated Moish: (with mischievous smile) Ladies, I just can't help myself.

Audience: (long applause)

(The camera slowly zooms out of the picture.)

(The episode ends in credits to the Subjugated and It Feels So Good tune.)

Note: *Apple refused their sponsorship, so we will be bleeping out the name until they change their mind.


Ok, I am now ready for networks to fight over this masterpiece. Any takers?


  1. you ARE funny!
    PS I'd like you to include a piece where we mention that the neon potatoes were not blenderised etc hence the taste...Somewhere next to 'if i say so myself' piece...

  2. You should have a warning sign: do not read at work! Good thing my boss is preoccupied with his upcoming meetings and what he should have for lunch:)

  3. Thank you, thank you for your kind words. However, I still haven't heard from the fourth member of the SubGang. And the networks are awfully quiet.

  4. What can I say - this is absolutely brilliant. The only thing I can add is that I read it while being on a conference call with a bunch of morons and thought I would die from the fits of laughter I had to control. Of course it all came out from the other openings which made for quite a scene for the second episode - Curse of the Neon Kugel

  5. I love the idea for the Curse of the Neon Kugel. I even have a few developments. But where are the networks to pick this up? And another suggestion: who will play us or should we play ourselves?

  6. hmmm... Lets see:
    SubWife - Uma Thurman
    Barb - Uma Thurman
    Sally Hazel - Uma Thurman
    Moish - Quentin Tarantino

    PS (sorry, my movie stars knowledge is rather limited, unless you want to use rock starts or porn stars)

  7. I think we can safely dismiss the porn stars and rock stars as possible candidates (Courtney Love? No way.)

    Uma Thurman? Umn, no. I don't think she would be very believable as a Sephardi. She can play a quirky Gentile neighbor, we'll write her into the script just for you. Unless one of the other leads would choose Uma as "her" actress, I say we need to look for other leads.

  8. How old are you? Haven't you celebrated your thirteenth birthday already? Seriously, man, we need some real effort here, and you are not giving us your best.

    p.s. One of the Olsen twins is battling anorexia, so maybe she could be the model in kugel commercial.


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