Monday, February 22, 2010

8 Things I would like to tell our auditors

I remember being a newbie auditor and a sense of terror I felt at my first few audits. That sense of terror was quickly replaced with being constantly overwhelmed by the amount of work and manager's questions and comments. That's why I am very surprised at how annoyed I am with our auditors this season. Let's make this clear - few companies like being audited, and we are no exception. Audit always generates extra work for everyone involved. It is a normal part of the job, however, and everyone tries to get through it with a sense of humor and in good spirits. This year, though, we have been blessed with a particularly "talented" bunch; everyone on the floor is grinding teeth. Hence this post...

1. Know your schedules. And their names. If accrued expense in not the schedule of vouchers paid during the year, that's because it DOESN'T BELONG THERE.

2. You are at a client. I don't know what the latest copy of In Style magazine says, but skirt (or pants) is not optional.

3. I can't prove to you that our subsidiaries don't have separate payroll accounts. The same way I cannot prove to you that dragons don't exist. You'll just have to take my word for it. AND REVIEW YOUR PAYROLL TESTING. You know, the testing you have already completed.

4. I don't care what your lead sheet says and why. You deal with your working papers, okay? and leave me out of it.

5. Whether the column is included in the total can be resolved by a simple arithmetic > the procedure involved while footing this schedule > the procedure you have already performed as part of your testing > the procedure that requires zero accounting background.

6. I don't care if you were a member of Beta Alpha Psi in college. If you can't find a balance on the bank statement, maybe accounting isn't for you.

7. I don't begrudge you stupid questions. I begrudge you the know-it-all attitude while asking them.

8. How many times can you ask the same stupid question? Please don't answer.

Tuesday, February 16, 2010

Real men do cry

I took the kids to the doctor past Monday. Multiple shots were involved. Baby needed three vaccinations and a blood test, DS needed one vaccination and DD two. Since I took the kids by myself, I wasn't completely thinking things through. Otherwise, I would've made DS take his shot first. Alas, the baby went first and her crying and screaming made DS even more paranoid about getting vaccinated. But that's not what this post about.

As the baby was writhing and screaming and doctor and I were busy restraining her, all of a sudden we heard DS loudly crying. Before I continue, I must reiterate that DS is very macho, as macho as boys come; but there he was, standing in the corner, wailing, using his little fists to smear his tears all over the face. "I...don't...want...Baby...hurt or cry...please more shots..." Both the doctor and I were on the verge of tears. That is until we had to restrain DS for his own vaccination, but that is a whole different story.

I guess it is true then that underneath all that macho outer layer, there is a sensitive core trying to get out. I'll just try to remember this next time I have to deal with an adult macho.

Wednesday, February 3, 2010

Extremes meet

I am becoming very, very, very seriously annoyed with the far right. Very. Very. Annoyed. It seems like one must adhere to the set of very particular beliefs in order to satisfy Rush Limbaugh & Co and earn one's right to be called a Republican or Conservative. Here are just some examples:

If one is pro-life, but is not opposed to the morning after pill - they are not Pro-Life enough, and even worse than liberals.

If one voted for McCain, but doesn't hate Obama, one is not Republican enough, and is ever worse than those damned liberals.

If one questions the was in Iraq , then one is an anti-American ingrate who cannot possibly be a Republican and thus is worse than the liberals.

If one opposes death penalty - for any reason, one is not a true Conservative and worse than the liberals.

And G-d help the one who thinks that Universal Health Care might be a good idea - that person is a lost cause, a Socialist and possibly a dirty anti-American Commie. Which is of course worse than being a liberal, but only marginally because all liberals are closeted Commies.

But here's what I find particularly ironic. I still remember the Commie times in Russia, and all of this - those who are not completely, 110% ideologically with us are against us/those who are not like us cannot possibly be patriotic/those who have different beliefs are looking to or already are actively destroying our beautiful country and must be the agents of the enemy - very painfully reminds me of those Commie times. Yes, there obviously are differences, but as far as I am concerned the extremes have already met.

Monday, February 1, 2010

The Mysterious Affair at SubCasa

Okay, now after the badly written and depressing to boot post, something light and fluffy, courtesy of DS.

He has been asking me for a week to make cheesecake, and I finally obliged on Sunday. We all had a piece last night, and when DS asked for seconds, I told him that he could get another piece in the morning. Of course, the first thing he did upon awakening was to make sure that the cheesecake was still there. I was in my bedroom when bewildered DS stormed in there. "Mommy, the cheesecake got spoiled!" I thought he was referring to the crack in the cheesecake and hoping that DS didn't drop it in his attempt at cheesecake poaching. I rushed into the kitchen and didn't see any signs of foul play. The aluminun pan with the cheesecake was safely standing on the top shelf of the fridge. Then DS opened up another 9x13 pan and said, "See, mommy, cheesecake got spoiled! It turned into chicken!"