My baby's first dictionary

Mommy - multi-functional piece of equipment with many features, some not discovered yet. Came without a manual. Favorite features so far: feeding, cuddling, kissing, and tickling … did I say feeding? I like that a lot. Software/hardware bugs quite evident. Severe sound volume issues when under stress. Battery leaves something to be desired. Spare batteries not offered by manufacturer. Obviously model developed in a rush to meet some arbitrary deadline.

Papa – similar to Mommy, only less features and shorter fuse. Digs riskier fun. Still haven't figured out all functions. Came without manual too (what is it with the shortage of manuals?). Major software flaw: is not open to house redecorating ideas. Exterior and battery life very durable.

Sister – partner in crime. Model still under development, but previews promise many fun features. Battery life – limited only by Mommy and Papa. Major drawback: often fights for the same limited resources: toys, Mommy, etc.

Grandma - the enabler. Features similar to Mommy. Battery life – indeterminable due to limited exposure to the model.

Grandpa - the weakest link. (According to Grandma, the missing link...hmmm.)

Baby – ME! ME! ME! An absolutely wonderful, flawless device brought to bring fun to the otherwise completely uneventful Mommy's day. I take my job very, very seriously.

Playgroup - a place where all my talents are fully appreciated and where I am the boss, though not everyone caught on yet.

Lego - favorite toy of masochistic parents.

Papa’s computer – the forbidden fruit.

Sharing – who came up with that crazy idea?

Whining – the shortest and surest way to get things done.

Pacifier - not a fan, though fun to take away from Sister and have her chase me around the house. He he.

Cereal – tastes best when eaten off the floor.

Floor – adds unique gourmet flavors to anything eaten off of it. Similar tasting results cannot be achieved in controled environment.

Cookie – preferred method of re-fueling. Thank you for the reminder. Coo-kee, coo-kee, Mommy, more coo-kee.

Food leftovers - look really good on a carpet or smeared on the table. Liquids are perfect for washing hands.

Salt/sugar/spices – good for spicing up the decor.

Silverware/toys/clothes/insides of any unlocked drawer – all fine decorating ideas.

Audio tapes – yet another good decorating choice.

Timeout – a place where I go when Mommy/Papa battery runs low or when house decorating ideas clash with that of Parents'.

Clothes – optional.

Diaper - a party pooper. Should be optional. Thick disposable underwear that stands in a way of true fun. Explosive ones are particularly entertaining for Mommy. Why does she so stubbornly resist entertainment?

Diarrhea – effortless fun. Gives the most amount of entertainment for your buck. Will do even at the risk of getting a red bottom. That's how much I love Mommy.

Medicine - no, thank you.

Bath – water! Water! Water! Must pretend not to enjoy at first or otherwise might be taken away for misbehaving. Cannot give them more weapons.

Washing hair – necessary (???) evil.

Time between my bath and my bed - the best time to relieve myself. I either have a very fresh diaper on, and Mommy has to chase me, AGAIN, to change it. Or I don't have one on yet - need I say more? Not that I talk…

My own bed – WHAT???!!! Have you been consorting with the enemy? Also, see Sharing.

Sleeping – next to Mommy? Mmm, mmm good. Have to check up on her a few times every night though. Cannot be too careful.

Wake up time - the earlier the better. Time when Mommy is particularly unkempt and grumpy. Why would she possibly be tired if I provide so much entertainment?

What else could I possibly do to maximize Mommy's fun? Suggestions welcome.