Monday, June 30, 2008

Don't judge me, it could be you...

This past shabbat we had done something unthinkable and perverse. This is so embarrassing that I didn't even tell my BFF - the woman is pregnant, she doesn't need any additional stress in her life. But I need to share because the guilt is crushing me. And please, please, please don't tell anyone, ok?

Ready? This shabbat in the privacy of our own home we ate - ok, here it goes - potato kugel. Ok, that's not all. We also had cole slaw. Wait, it gets worse. My fingers refuse to type this, but I must persevere because admitting this is the first step to recovery. We, we, we, we ate ....gefilte fish prepared according to the instructions on the package. Yes, yes the frozen sweet culinary monstrosity that was boiled with a lonely carrot to appease our aesthetic sense and health consciousness. There, I already feel better, as if a stone has been lifted off my chest.

First I must say that I do not condemn any one of those dishes (well, except for the sweet gefilte fish) and occasionally - about twice a year - we indulge in home made potato kugel and about every other month in cole slaw. And gefilte fish (no sugar only!) has been cooked according to instructions only once - during my strange pregnancy cravings - and consumed in quiet shame under the covers away from SubHub's watchful eye. Otherwise, it is cooked in tomato sauce with lots of spices and barely resembles its Ashkenazi cousin, and again it is done every other year or so. So no, neither of these dishes are complete strangers to our house; it's just that the combination of all three has never been introduced to our shabbat table. And now it's been defiled...

How did we end up with those goodies? I was making them for someone else's consumption, but the food exchange through no fault of ours has not happened on Friday. I was unsure if I could freeze cooked gefilte fish, but I have heard that potato kugel freezes pretty well. But I was too late: SubHub looked kugel in the eye and was lost to all humanity possessing healthy taste buds. The allure of the oily potato mush was too strong for him to fight off and half of the kugel was devoured before the commencement of shabbat. Slowly but surely the same fate had followed the other dishes.

You truly are what you eat, and I can attest to that. We started feeling the effects of these foods almost immediately. When talking to my Sephardi neighbor, I was unable to call Shabbat "shabbat" and kept on saying "Shabbes", Torah became "Toirah"; ditto for all the other lingo. Five years of living with an Israeli have been undone in two sittings - Friday dinner and Shabbat lunch. Maybe subconsciously I knew I have become impure and wasn't worthy of using proper Hebrew? But kids took the worst brunt of it. DD mentioned that she wanted to go to the zoo. When we asked her why, she said that she wanted to see a big fish, a small fish and a swimming gefilte fish. Oy vey! SubHub told DD that gefilte fish only swim in boiling water... As a matter of fact, if DD wanted, Mommy could show her next Thursday gefilte fish in its natural habitat - a pot with a lonely carrot. Sigh.. Why is it always the hardest on the kids, why???

How long will it take to undo the damage? Only G-d Almighty knows... But I must remain optimistic, if not for myself, then for the kids, and earnestly hope that next Friday food exchange will not be foiled . I should also remember at all times about people less fortunate than us and remind myself that the situation could have been worse: I could've also made chulent...

Disclaimer: please note that the author was talking about the frozen log type gefilte fish, and under no circumstances was describing the real gefilte fish, which if done right is absolutely delicious!

27 comments:

  1. You are to funny:) But, honestly,confess: most of the foods popular by Ashkenazim are pretty boring and tastless (never mind full of sugar).

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  2. whats wrong with kugel!!! i had it twice at two different kiddushes this shabbos!

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  3. Barb,

    I have nothing to confess. I don't normally eat popular Ashkenazi food. Pricesely because it is boring and bland and very unhealthy.

    Moish,

    If you even have to ask this question, your case is hopeless. But I will elaborate any way. Potato kugel is bland and mushy and tastes little like potatoes. As a matter of fact, all kugels taste the same: like oily mush. If I have to clog my arteries, I opt for something with more taste and character. But to each its own...

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  4. as to the taste, I beg to defer - OIL, POTATOES, FRIED GREASE, topped with your choice of herring or cold cuts, chased with good spirits! C'mon Wife, liberate your taste buds! As to my arteries, i also clog them with excessive amounts of pot and nicotine, so kugel is never alone :)

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  5. I just thought about potato kugel topped with Hungarian herring marinated in vinegar, and my jaw locked. Oy... I would rather keep my taste buds subjugated.

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  6. A bit off subject, I am curious as to why you confess your pot consumption almost every chance you get?

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  7. i do? i never really noticed.... hmm... my general policy is not to let myself look better than I think I deserve, so subconsciously I use every chance I get to list my vices. Makes sense?

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  8. Ahh, just plain old Jewish self-hatred and self-destructive tendencies. Would explain you enthusiastic kugel consumption... Or maybe it was the other way around...

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  9. Subwife, it seems that all you need is a good potato kugel recipe. It's not the origin of the food but its preparation that makes it or makes it a bunch of ingredients in one pot (no pun intended)

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  10. Sally, you might be right, but I don't think it's the recipe or my cooking abilities. Every time (which is not often) I make it, it's gone pretty fast. Guests had asked for doubles, and they weren't the heroic type to consume poison in order to make the hostess happy.

    And I didn't say kugel tastes bad. To me it's just a bland mush,and I have yet to taste potato kugel that would leave me with a different impression, regardless of the recipe or the cook. And to top it off, the dish is pretty unhealthy. So why bother? I prefer my potatoes red skinned roasted with olive oil, garlick and rosemary. Mmm mmm good.

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  11. Sally, wife - you have never tried kugel made by Mrs. Shimonovich!!! She is a 500lbs satmar cook (whose petite daughter I almost seduced at age 16 (oops..am I confessing again?!?!?!)) At any rate, the way that woman made potato kugel, especially when you put it in a sandwich loaded with mayo, cold cuts and hot peppers....!!!! AHHHHHHH!!! Things don't get much better than that!

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  12. Look, Moish, I thought this blog is for MY confessions, not yours, LOL And you provided me with yet another reason to not make potato kugel.

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  13. you know, ever since my parents became internet savvy thanks to Goddamn одноклассники, and started regularly visiting my blog I lost all sense of privacy there :(

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  14. That's why I don't use any real names. On an off chance that my co-workers might read my blog, and I might be unable to whine about work. Parents? I don't know if I would mind if they read it... But the minute you use your real name, you lose your privacy.

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  15. I don't mind using the name, because that turns blogging into a real voyeuristic experience... and sort of makes it really fun for me (and then I complain about people talking about me in restaurants!!!) But parents... that's going too far. I kept them out of my life since 13 and I ain't gonna start to open up now.

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  16. Well, you can always start another blog. Might get a bit complicated though...

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  17. nahh - I would rather use yours and Barbs :)

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  18. Then I'll have to change the name to "Confessions of the Subjugated Wife and the Subjugating Husband, Who is not the Husband of the Subjugated Wife". Might get a big complicated too... But then again, it's my blog and I can change it if I want to.

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  19. We are all Subjugated, so you might as well call it that :). The networks might pick it up, we will roll in dough and all that good stuff. I will move to Israel, join my Rebby's kollel and blog during lunch :) AHHHH! "Subjugated"!!!!

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  20. ... and it feels so good. I already have the these song... I would like to see networks fight for the right to see our show.

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  21. Thanks for the entertainment during a boring and frustraiting work day, guys! Can't wait to see your "Subjugated" show and confessions!! Can I be a nominal singleton in your group?

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  22. Are you accusing us of being smug marrieds?

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  23. Barb, the whole premise of the show is that EVERYONE is subjugated, so single, married, almost single - all welcome! (as long as you don't cut into our profits :)

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  24. Wife, did you ever envision a kugel discussion spinning out of control like that?

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  25. No, I didn't. But you read my thoughts. I was getting a bit lonely here blogging, nobody commenting and such. And all of a sudden: sex, lies, videotapes... And lotsa unsolicited confessions.

    I guess the old saying is correct: the road to readers' heart is through their stomach, and they key is potato kugel.

    You know what else would be funny? A surge in kugel consumption in Brooklyn. Would be pretty ironic if my kugel bashing would lead to the shortage of potatoes...

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  26. I'm willing to do all the regressions necessary to analize the surge in kugel consumption (with a hope of a tiny cut into the subjugated business)...

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  27. Sally, our subjugated sister, you're in!
    By the way, i encourage you to visit today's post on my blog! I've made it!!!!

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