Wednesday, June 11, 2008

It's miracle, I know

Before I begin the story, let me start with this: I like numbers, and usually they like me. I am doing accounting for living, so I am quite comfortable with them. I like mathematical tricks, I like all the funky stuff involving numbers, and I would go as far as to say that I am fascinated by them. I always liked arithmetic and did pretty well in math classes until we started learning geometry, but that is less about numbers and more about spacial perceptions. That being said, I also have moments in my life when adding 2+2, I somehow get 6 (no, we are not talking about creative bookkeeping here) and wonder why everyone else looks at me as if I have two heads. I rarely err in complex calculations, somehow the software brain malfunctions performing easy math. Yes, it is a long preface, but you'll know soon why it was necessary.

Last week I tried to make an appointment to a dermatologist. I needed one fast, but no doctor in a ten mile radius from my office would take me in before the end of NEXT month. I cannot comprehend why it is so hard to find an appointment to that particular specialty. After all, dermatologists are not dentists, so their suicide rates are not that high. Are Americans a particularly acne-prone nation? Long story short, I found one office in Brooklyn that agreed to take me in, a new patient, next day. Now I was bothered by another thought: why was this doc so easy?

As I was on my way to his office, which was a few blocks from the subway station, I looked at the house numbers. I was delighted to see that I was on the right side of the street, with odd house numbers. "Wow," I thought, "that would be a first one for me. I am ALWAYS on the wrong side of the street!" Merrily I strolled along completely, absolutely, positively, beyond any doubt sure that I needed an odd-numbered side. As I came to the block were the house was supposed to be, I found 2095 and then 2105. There was no 2100 in sight. What did they do with the building? Was the receptionist wrong? I was totally baffled. And then I saw 2100 across the street, and for a split second - I will admit that much - I couldn't understand why they would put an odd-numbered house on the even-numbered side of the street. I even thought it had something to do with it being close to the street corner. I guess it wasn't a split second after all...

And then a light bulb went on in my head: 2100 is an even number!!! (I will allow one loud DUH here...) I was on the wrong side of the street! Even though I was the only one who knew of my idiotic error, I was overcome with embarrassment (which turned into hard to control giggling marathon.) Having a 2-minute psychotic moment involving bad math is forgivable. Forgetting Murphy's Law, on the other hand, is not. One shall never forget that when looking for any house for the first time, one is always on the wrong side of the street. Always. Anything else would be contrary to the laws of physics and would lead to anarchy, and we cannot let this happen.

P.S. This episode reminded me of a great parody from an old KVN. It really has little in common with my story, except for one line. But in either case, it is funny and worth watching, especially if you ever saw the original Serov song. My apologies to those not speaking Russian...

P.P.S. Why was this doctor so easy? Could having a specialty in venereal diseases have anything to do with it? (pun somewhat intended...)

P.P.P.S. I do NOT have a VD. Just in case anyone wondered.

P.P.P.P.S. It just occurred to me that the receptionist in the office might have attributed my violent giggling to late stages of syphilis. Oh well, at least I was laughing...

Okay, I found the original, though I couldn't find the one where he sang a verse in English. Even for native speakers, some lyrics, though beautiful is way too complicated to understand in a format of a song. I think it is worthwhile to note for those who left Russia young, this song was a huge hit.

And here's one of the best KBH parodies of all time:

I love having complete lyrics, especially for parodies, so here it is, courtesy of

Дом обезлюдел, и я молюсь неистово,
Знаю, что любишь ты меня, неказистого.
Чай пью тревожно, медленно чебуреки ем,
А душу гложет Моцарта чудный „Реквием“.
Ты меня любишь, я тебя тоже люблю.
Ого. Пусть нескладно, зато по смыслу.
Я — страшно умный, есть во мне божья искра.
„О“ — это буква, ноль — это цифра.
Выйду на поле в мятых трусах коричневых,
Знаю в футболе пару финтов гарринчевых,
На деревяшке выжгу тебя паяльников,
Скину рубашку, спрячусь под пододеяльником.
Ты меня хочешь,
Стало быть, перехочешь,
О-о! Так случилось —
Все меня хочут.
Бродишь не глядя ты по аллее буковой,
Спрячусь в засаде, с ловкостью Чингачкуковой.
Выскочу голый — „Здравствуй, моя отрада!“
Ого. Очень больно. Больше не надо.

I love you, baby.
I just believe in what you say.
Yes. It is table. And it was table yesterday.
I love you, baby. Baby, you love my „имидж“.
O-o. I am crazy. I can speak English.
O-o. I am crazy. I can speak English…»


  1. OMG, I remember this one! I must have used a phrase from this clip like 1,000 times - Ооо... Пусть не в рифму, зато по смыслу.

  2. My personal favorite is
    Я — страшно умный, есть во мне божья искра.
    „О“ — это буква, ноль — это цифра.

    Just LOVE it.


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