7. Headache/phone calls to customer service with holding time of 45 minutes or more/monthly dues until the year 2035 - but I was prepared for this one because gyms are notorious for their poor billing/deceptive contract practices, and my health is worth it, right? Unless stress of dealing the the gym negates the positive effects of workouts...OK too much thinking...
6. Improved ability to catch the morning train - Eat that, mean train conductor and the organization guru who says that I simply need to leave my house earlier!
5. Stinky clothes in my gym bag and more dirty laundry on the weekend.
4. Realization that even though I carry around two toddlers, 35 lbs each, in both hands most of the weekend, it is still hard to keep up with the upper body toning part of the class - really, what gives? Are they secretly training us to be commandos?
3. A bruise on my backside - from falling off the step. Yep, I am that uncoordinated and have some sort of spatial sensory disorder, or whatever the pros call it (us, common folk refer to it as "clumsiness"). It probably stems from the lack of crawling in early childhood.
3a) A bill from Burger King (located on the first floor, while gym is on the second) for all the drinks they had to replace due to my fall. Apparently, customers don’t like ceiling paint in their diet cola. Who would’ve thought?
2. Severely bruised ego - from realizing how many women my mother's age are in a better physical and aesthetic shape than me.
*****drumroll******
1. 3 pounds! - Yes, I think I have finally found my calling, and it is gaining weight! No, I am not pigging out, at least not more than usual, and according to some health articles it is not muscle weight either (it would take about 3 months to gain one pound in muscle weight). So I am perplexed (or at least that’s how they call it in polite circles) as to why after adding at least 3 half-hour sessions of cardio workouts per week the number on the scale is rising. I mean I know I am more than a number on the scale, but I herein lies the problem. I most definitely do not want to be more than a number on the scale, because that number is too bleeping high as is! I know, maybe my body is in shock over my decision to actually go to the gym, not just carry the membership card in the purse (which, if my calculations are correct, all by itself should yield about ½ lb weight loss in about 20 years), and just doesn't know how to react to that yet. Sigh…
Love your sence of humor! Tell Burger King to go fish: if they rent space under the gym, they should expect people to jump over their heads all the time.
ReplyDeletedon't pay! you will set a precedent and my neighbors will be billing me daily for all the crap that spills in their house thanks to my kiddies!!!!
ReplyDeleteActually, we are still negotiating. They agreed to drop the drinks charges if I cover the crack in the building foundation... I said that the only way I can cover it is by sitting on it. They are still thinking...
ReplyDeleteA BILL FROM BURGER KING!? (I had to pause here and think of a polite substitute to all the comments I wanted to make...) I sincerely hope you didn't pay it! Plus, how can they prove it was your fall and not all the jumping that did it!? Bizarre, bizarre, bizarre!!!!!!!
ReplyDeleteAh, just read your comment... I apologize I'm always delayed with my responses. Anywho, after reading your comment, I'd love to see the building.
ReplyDeletePS Clumsiness is called 'perceptual deficits' in those who didn't crawl and 'clumsiness' in all others.