Guilt...

Hubby just called. He is on his last day of vacation, and, therefore, is staying home with the kids. He told me that my daughter missed me. Then I heard her asking in the background, "Mommy, why won't you come home sooner?" Hubs gave her the phone and I told her that I needed to work so that I can buy her clothes and food. Hubs in the background said, "You want to eat, right? So mommy has to work so that we can buy food." To which sweet little girl replied,"I will only eat crackers, and that's it." She is sooo sweet. I told her, I still had to work, so she said, "I am waiting for you."

It breaks my heart to have to stay at work for another 3 hours (at least) and see her no earlier than in four. It even breaks it more to realize that even if I could, I probably would not be able to stay home with kids. What a guilt trip... At least now I have an excuse. I just have to pray that we never get filthy rich, and I would always have to work...

You are beautiful no matter what they say

Yesterday hubby told me that I looked beautiful. Isn't that sweet? Now I can breathe the sigh of relief - I am a not just a whale, I am a beautiful whale.

Why? Why? Why?

Why do I do this to myself? Why?

I have weighed myself three days ago, hoping to see some weight loss. I knew I was "good", but somehow clothes got a bit tighter around the waist. Well, the scale showed that I am only two pounds away from being a whale. That was depressing.

After doing Weight Watchers for 3 days, I decided to see what the progress was. The only thing is - it was at night. And at night for some inexplicable reason I am anywhere from 3 to 5 pounds heavier. So I was standing in front of the scale thinking whether to measure myself or not. Stupidity won, and I stepped on the scale realizing to my horror that I am one pound over the whale weight. Ouch!!!! I thought I would never get there. Admittedly, I thought I would never get to Whale weight minus twenty, but this is crushing. This is defeat. I didn't cry, at least not right away. I actually waited for a couple of hours when I got to bed. Why did I weigh myself at night??? Now I am depressed and desperately want a cookie. Better start putting money away for the personal crane that would take me out of the house through the window. And if you think that I am one of those annoying skinny people who whines about gaining 3 pounds and now weighs a whopping 123 instead of 120 pounds, you are wrong. I am a whale... actually a pound heavier than a whale...sigh

Crossing the line

Crosing the line between professional and personal relationship is very tricky, as I have found out, AGAIN. I hear about it, I know about it, yet every time it happens to me, I am caught by surprise. I have a coworker who I am very friendly with, and at times we are having conversations that are a lot more personal than discussing the debit side of the balance sheet. At times I vent to her, at times she vents to me. I liked our relationship up until the point when she started feeling entitled to use that personal information when we deal with business. It doesn't help that we have very different attitude towards work - she is very career-oriented, and I am not. She considers it a crime against all female professionals that I actually don't value the opportunities now offered to women. (The whole subject of "opportunities now offered to women" and my appreciation of it deserves a separate post, I think.) On more than one occasion she told me, "Tell your husband that I need you to stay late tonight to finish this." How did my husband figure into this conversation? Because at one point I mentioned that hubby who was at that time on vacation wanted to spend more time with me. (She also somehow got into her head that I have to get his permission to stay late...I don't know how she deduced that one, but whatever, I am a subjugated wife, after all.) Today when she told me that she needs my help in figuring something out, I said that I am unavailable until the next week, since I have a project that needs to be finished by Friday. I said, "If I do both, I would have to sleep here, and I barely see the kids anyway." The reply, "Didn't you just take off four days in a row, and any way you are the breadwinner." And she leaves without giving me an opportunity to say anything back!!! If this isn't passive-aggressive, I don't know what is! (Not to mention that she doesn't get to pro-rate or assign weighted averages to the time I spend with kids.)

I don't appreciate personal information thrown back in my face like this. She is not my boss, and even if she were, she is not entitled to do this. Needless to say, personal conversations on topics other than diet and exercise are no longer happening.

I am sure she is just as annoyed with me right now as I am with her. Again, different work ethics. In her mind, I have to finish whatever she is asking me, and my "whatever" attitude towards that project is getting on her nerves. On the other hand, it's not my fault that she chooses to stay till 9 o'clock to finish this. We all make choices in our professional life. She chooses to be extra-professional, I choose to see my kids more than 15 min/night. If she is bitter that I don't have the same level of commitment, quite frankly it is her problem since management doesn't really have a problem with mine.